Addict In Love
by Don'tReadMyStories
Summary: Jackson is addicted to drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol. Melissa tries to help him. But some things can't be helped, especially with all of the things going on in his life. What happens when something goes wrong? Thanks to jelissalover and adversary2113.
1. Speaking To Silhouettes

_**Credit goes to the movie 'The Basketball Diaries' and the book 'That Was Then, This Is Now.'**_

* * *

I sat on the stage in the dimly lit room, cross-legged, watching as people entered the auditorium and took a seat.

Everyone was silent, with only occasional hushed whispers to the persons next to them.

The auditorium filled with life quickly, with only a few empty chairs left.

As the lights turned off, people shifted in their seats.

I rested my head on my hands, my elbows on my knees, staring out into darkness, seeing only the silhouettes of figures.

The lights shined on me from the front of the stage, blinding me.

Although most people would be paranoid, I felt calm...relaxed, even.

I closed my eyes, breathing slowly, imagining how I would start. I was still, motionless.

Everyone stared, waiting, anticipating.

I opened my eyes, taking a gentle breath, ready to begin my story.

I fingered the silver cross dangled around my neck.

"When I was young-about eight or so-I tried making friends with God by inviting him to my house to watch the World Series." I paused for a moment. "He never showed."


	2. Cigarettes In The Park

"Hey, Jackson."

"Hey, baby." I gave Melissa a kiss.

When we pulled apart, she said, "So where do you wanna go?"

I just shrugged. "Doesn't matter. You choose."

She thought for a moment. "How about...the park?"

"Let's go." I put my arm around her as we walked.

_______________________________________________________________________

We took each step in sync with one another, hand in hand.

We'd walked for over half an hour in silence.

The park was empty, peaceful.

Melissa took a seat on a nearby bench, and I followed.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" she asked.

"I don't know. You?"

"Nothing. Wanna do something together?"

"Sure. What do you wanna do?"

"I don't know. You?"

I shrugged, drumming my fingers on my side. "Why don't we just wait and see what we

feel like doing?"

"Okay."

We were quiet for a while.

I reached into my pocket, lounging back, and pulled out a cigarette and a liter.

I put the cigarette in my mouth, flicking the liter. I glanced over to see Melissa staring at

me. I sighed, pulling the cigarette from my mouth and putting it and the liter back into my

pocket.

"You told me you quit...a week ago."

"I'm trying. But it's a lot harder than I thought."

She held out her hand. "Let me have them."

"What?"

"Give me the cigarettes, Jackson."

"But, Mel, I need them."

"No, you don't."

"But-"

"Give them to me." Her voice was gentle, yet firm.

I sighed, reaching into my pocket. I pulled out the lone cigarette, along with an over half

empty pack, then handed them to Melissa. I hung my head, avoiding her eyes when she glared at me. "Sorry, Mel."

"You managed to smoke over half the pack in one day?"

"I'm trying to cut back, Mel. I really am."

"We had school today. How did you manage to smoke at all?"

I was silent, still not looking at her.

She got the hint. Abruptly, she stood, heading to a nearby trashcan.

"Mel, please don't."

She didn't slow her pace.

I pushed myself off the bench, hustling toward her. "Mel, wait." I gently gripped her,

trying to stop her.

She quickly tossed the pack into the garbage can before I could take them from her, then

turned to face me with a look of satisfaction.

I swallowed.

She looked into my eyes. Her smile faded. Melissa slowly stuck her hand into my other

pocket, pulling out another pack. She shook her head, disappointed.

"I'm sorry, Mel."

She slammed them into the trashcan, then quickly headed home.

I followed, my head hung, my hands in my pockets.

_______________________________________________________________________

She headed up the driveway and into her house.

"Mel?" I called. "Please wait. I'm sorry."

She slammed the door shut.

I knew she wasn't mad at me just for smoking. She was mad because I'd lied to her. It was the first lie I've ever told her.

I sighed, putting my hands in my pockets, kicking nearby rocks, slowly heading home.

_______________________________________________________________________

"Jackson?! What are you doing here?!"

"Mel, I'm sorry for lying to you. Here." I handed her my last pack of cigarettes. "I'm done

with them. But there's one missing from in there...just in case I really, really need it…only if I need it. But I promise it'll be my last. I won't smoke anymore after that. I swear."

She stared at me.

I hoped my apology was good enough.

All of a sudden, Melissa wrapped her arms around me. "Thank you, Jackson."


	3. Powder Through The Straw

I pushed myself up, rubbing my eyes. I yawned, then went to the dresser to grab my clothes.

I walked into the bathroom to get ready for work.

* * *

I sat at the kitchen table, cutting a straw about four inches long. I walked toward the cabinet, grabbing a small dish, then set it onto the table. I pulled my wallet from my back pocket, taking out my credit card. I took a small bag out of my pocket and took a seat.

I untwisted the ends of the bag, pouring the white, powdery substance onto the dish. I twisted the bag closed, careful not to spill too much of the contents.

I used the credit card to chop the powder.

When I was finished, I shaped it into lines that were roughly an eighth of an inch wide and about five inches long.

I put an end of the straw into one of my nostrils, holding the other nostril closed with my left index finger. I sucked in through my nose while chasing the line with the straw.

All of a sudden, my father stepped into the house, suitcase in hand. He didn't even look at me.

My father would move in with other women quite often, leaving me to take care of myself and pay all the bills.

He never paid attention to me, only talking to me occasionally. And that was usually when he wanted something from me. He couldn't care less about what I did. He didn't even care if I were dead.

Sometimes, I'd wish he'd punish me. Then I'll know he loves me.

I'd rather be beaten every time I'd come in the house than going completely unnoticed. At least then, I'll know he knew I was there.

He dropped the suitcase onto the floor, then took a seat in the chair next to me at the kitchen table. "Hey."

"Hey." I set the straw down, rubbing my nose.

"Still on that, huh?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"I thought you made it clear you were done with that."

"I did, too."

He chuckled, observing me. "Got anymore?"

I sniffed. "Yeah."

"Give me some."

I handed him the bag, then dizzily headed to the couch, laying down.


	4. Jumpy For A Syringe

I sat in the classroom, Melissa sitting next to me, talking about the task that lay in front of us.

My leg was jumping up and down, my fingers quietly drumming on the desk. I couldn't concentrate, unable to understand what Melissa was saying. I rested my aching head in my hand, yawning since I haven't slept much. I coughed, which burnt my sore, dry throat.

Melissa put her hand on my knee to stop the shaking, staring at me. "Something wrong?"

"No."

She pulled my chin up to look into my eyes. "Are you lying to me?"

My voice was quiet as I nodded my head. "Yeah."

"What is it, Jackson?" When I didn't answer, she said, "Is it the cigarettes?"

"Yeah."

"Did you already use that last one?"

"Yeah."

She looked at me sympathetically.

I closed my eyes restlessly.

After a moment, I looked around the classroom to make sure no one was watching. Then I reached into my pocket. "Mel, take these."

Melissa looked at the pack in my hand. "Jackson, I thought you said you didn't have anymore!" she whispered furiously.

"I don't. I stole these from my dad. I can't do this, Mel. I'm about to give up. Please take these, Mel." I tried to keep my irritation at bay.

She swiftly took them and put them into her book bag.

"Thank you, Mel."

"You owe me big time."

"I know."

________________________________________________________________________

I used the syringe to measure the amount of water, then poured it in the bottle cap.

I grabbed my liter from the table, flicking it, then put it under the cap.

I waited a short while as the heroin and water dissolved.

When that was done, I set the liter back onto the table, then picked up the cotton pellet, putting it on top of the cap to use as a filter.

I stuck the needle through the cotton, drawing the liquid.

When I was finished, I turned the syringe upright to force the air to the top. Then I pushed the air out.

I let the liquid cool down for a moment.

After a while, I stretched my arm out, inching the needle closer to my skin.

Just as I was about to stick it through my arm, there was a knock at the door.

"S***!" I jumped up and quickly put the syringe into my pocket.

The door opened to reveal Melissa.

I sighed with relief.

She usually walked into the house without knocking ever since my father had moved out.

He didn't mind it anyway.

"Hey." She took a seat on the couch.

I pulled the syringe from my pocket, sitting back down.

"I brought your father's cigarettes." She set them onto the table, then eyed the syringe. "I guess I better go." She stood, heading for the door.

"Mel, it's okay. You could stay."

"I don't wanna be around you when you do that, Jackson." She gestured toward the syringe.

"Then I won't do it." I picked up the bottle cap and cotton pellet from the table, heading for the garbage can.

I forced myself to throw the items inside, then took a seat on the couch.

Melissa sat down next to me.

We were silent for a while.

Then Melissa spoke. "You need to stop this, Jackson."

"Stop what?"

"The drugs, the alcohol, the smoking."

"I did quit smoking."

"What about the drugs and alcohol?"

I sighed. "Mel, do you know how hard this is for me?"

"What about me, Jackson?! Do you know how hard it is to have a boyfriend that does drugs and drinks and just recently quit smoking?! I'm constantly worrying that, the next time you snort or inject or whatever, I won't see you again. I'm always concerned and scared that something will go wrong. What if it does?" She had tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Mel. I didn't know you felt like that. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not like you would have stopped any of this."

I was silent.

After a while, Melissa spoke. "I want to try it."

"What?" I looked at her.

"I want to try it, Jackson. I want a needle."

I was shocked by the way she was acting.

Seeing that I wasn't moving, she got up and went into my room.

I sat there on the couch, trying to figure out what had just happened.

Melissa came out of my room with a syringe and a small bag of heroin in her hand. She headed for the kitchen table.

Coming to my senses, I jumped up. "Mel, stop."

She didn't answer.

"Mel!"

She ripped the package open, spilling some of the contents onto the table, then poured some into the syringe. She dropped the small bag onto the table.

"You're doing it wrong. That's gonna hurt."

She put the needle to her skin, about to stick it into her arm.

I quickly grabbed the wrist of her hand with the needle in it. "Mel, stop."

She tried to get free.

"Give me the needle."

She squirmed to get out of my grip.

"Mel, give me the needle."

She beat her fist on my chest.

"Give me the needle, d***it!"

She unexpectedly slapped my face hard, tears in her eyes. "Don't you dare curse at me!"

When I recovered, I said, "Mel, I'm sorry. Please give me the needle."

"Why?! You do this to yourself all the time."

I sighed. "I know. It's a bad habit to get into, Mel. Trust me. You don't want this. I don't want this. But I can't stop. And I don't want you to end up like me. I want better for you. So please don't do this. Give me the needle. Please, Mel."

Hesitantly, she did.

"Thank you." I threw it into the trashcan, then started cleaning the table where Melissa had spilled the powder.

Melissa headed for the couch, taking a seat, tears streaming down her face.

When I was finished cleaning the table, I sat down next to her, wrapping my arms around her. "It's okay, Mel. It'll be okay."

"No, it won't, Jackson." She pushed away from me. "Don't you understand?"

I stayed quiet, listening.

"Drugs aren't okay. I can't live like this. I'm constantly worried about you, Jackson. I want you to stop all this." More tears fell as she looked into my eyes.

"I will, baby. I promise."

She pulled me into a tight hug.

I rubbed her back, comforting her.

"Thank you, Jackson."


	5. Inside Out Grocery Bag

"Hey, Jackson. Got the money?"

I looked at the drug dealer. "No."

He was glaring at me now. "Well, I can't give you nothing then."

"I know. I was actually gonna quit."

"Quit what?"

"Drugs."

"Who is?"

"I am, Eddie. I'm done with drugs."

He slammed me up against the brick wall of the alley so fast that I didn't have time to get away. "Listen, here, you little wise a** punk. I get a whole lotta money from you. And you ain't stopping now. You understand?"

I tried to push him away.

He punched me. "You understand?!"

"Yes! Yes, I understand!" I was looking into his eyes.

He patted my cheek hard. "Good."

"Could you let me go?" I was irritated.

"Not until I teach you a lesson first." He threw me to the ground behind him.

My cheek scraped against the concrete.

Eddie kicked my side.

I yelped, clutching my ribs.

He laughed, kicking some more. "You learn your lesson yet?"

My hand was on the ground in front of my face, trying to hold my head up every time Eddie kicked. "Yes," I managed to say.

"Good." He pulled me up by my shirt, then pushed me forward a bit.

I fell down again.

Eddie laughed.

I pushed myself up, holding my ribs, slowly walking home.

________________________________________________________________________

"Jackson? What's up?"

I looked beside me to see Eric driving, Taylor in the passenger's seat.

"Nothing."

"What wrong with your face?!" Taylor was disgusted.

"Hey, could you guys give me a ride?"

"That depends." Eric looked at me through Taylor's opened window. "Will you tell us what happened?"

All my friends knew that I drank and did drugs, and that I'd recently quit smoking.

I sighed. "Yeah."

"Hop in," Eric said with a smirk.

I opened the backdoor, then closed it when I got inside. "Thanks."

"So get to the story."

"Fine. But you guys gotta swear you won't tell Melissa."

"Okay," said Eric.

I began to tell my story.

________________________________________________________________________

"Thanks, guys. See ya later."

"Bye, Jackson," Taylor waved.

I walked into the house, seeing my father passed out on the couch, an empty syringe on the table beside him.

I picked it up, looking at it, then tossed it into the garbage can. I picked up the small bag of heroin and stared at it.

After a while, I took it into my room and sat down on my bed. I looked at the bag in my hand.

I can't do this. What am I thinking?

But I need this.

I opened the bag, pouring a little of the contents onto my hand. I looked at it, spreading it out with my thumb.

C'mon, Jackson. What are you doing?

Think about Eddie. I have to have this.

No you don't.

I want this.

What about Melissa?

I sighed. My voice was quiet. "S***!"

I quickly put the powder back into the bag, tying it. I walked out of the room and into the kitchen.

When I came back, I carried a grocery bag.

I went to the nightstand next to my bed, sitting on my knees, and opened the drawer. I looked inside, exhaling shakily.

I began pulling out all the small bags, balloons, prescription bottles, and syringes, placing them into the grocery bag.

When I was finished, I sat onto the bed again, the grocery sack next to me.

I stay there for a while, then abruptly opened the drawer again. I turned the bag upside down, letting everything fall back into place.

I took my previous spot on my bed, resting my head in my hands.

You can't give them up. You need those. You're nothing without them.

You're nothing without Mel. Do you want to loose her, Jackson? You know she doesn't like this. Are you going to hurt her again?

"D***it!" I got the sack and began taking everything out of the drawer and putting it into the bag again.

I stood up and walked out of the room, laying the sack on my father's bed.

I went back into my room, slamming the door behind me. I fell onto the bed, laying on my side, and rubbed my hand on my aching head.

I unexpectedly banged my fist against the nightstand. "F***!"

A tear fell from my eye.

All of a sudden, I felt something on my shoulders. I quickly turned over.

"Melissa?! What are-how did you get in here?"

"I used the door."

"When did you come in? I didn't hear you."

"I've been over there for about fifteen minutes, waiting for you to get home." Over her shoulder, she pointed a thumb to a chair in the corner of the room.

My voice was quiet. "So you saw?"

"Yeah."

I turned my head away from her, embarrassed.

She pulled it back, her hand on my cheek. She used her thumb to wipe my tear away.

"I'm sorry, Mel." I wiped the rest of the water from my eyes and sniffled, pushing myself up into a sitting position.

"For what?"

"For hurting you like this."

She gently pushed me back down onto the bed. "It's okay, Jackson. I know it's hard. But we're gonna get through this…together."

"Thank you, Mel."

"So anyways, what happened to you?"

"What do you mean?"

She brushed her thumb against my cheek, touching the scratches.

I winced, squeezing my eyes shut, then firmly but gently gripped her wrist, stopping her.

"Sorry."

We looked into each others' eyes.

"I love you, Mel."

"I love you, too, Jackson."

I pushed my head up off the pillow and kissed her.

She kissed back.

In a quick minute, the kiss became hotter.

My hands were on her waist. I pulled her closer.

Melissa's hands were on my chest.

My tongue entered her mouth, exploring. My hands moved to her butt.

She moaned.

I started to slide my hand upward and into her shirt.

Her hand moved into my shirt, rubbing my side hard.

I yelped.

She pulled her head away from mine, wondering what was wrong. Then she saw me

clutching my side. Curious, she moved her hand toward it.

"Mel, I'm okay. Really." I tried to block her from touching my side, unable to get up since

she was on top of me. "Mel, wait."

She lifted my shirt. "Jackson, what happened?!"

"I'm fine, Mel." I tried to push myself up, only making it halfway since she held me down. I sighed and avoided her eyes, speaking quietly. "Let me up."

"Not until you tell me what happened."

"Please, Mel."

"Tell me first."

"Mel-"

"I can stay like this for hours. I won the pose contest at the BETA convention last year."

"Baby-"

"Jackson?!" She looked at me, warning. "Don't try me."

I sighed, my head falling back onto the bed. "Fine."

"Tell me what happened."

"I fell."

"You fell?"

"Down some stairs."

"And got a huge bruise on your side?"

"I hit the railing on the way down."

"I'm so sorry, Jackson."

"Can I get up now?" I tried to keep the irritation from my voice.

She moved off of me.

I pushed myself up, my feet on the floor, and rolled my shirt back down.

Melissa's voice came from behind me. "You're mad at me, aren't you."

I sighed, looking down, then turned to face her. "No, Mel. I'm not mad." I reached over and gave her a kiss.

She smiled.

"So what do you wanna do today, Mel?"

"I don't know." She thought for a moment. "Wanna watch some TV?"

"Sure." I got up and opened the door, letting her walk out first. "After you."

"Thank you, Jackson."

I followed her out the door and into the living room.

She took a seat on the couch.

I handed her the remote controller. "You want something to eat or drink?"

"A soda would be great. And a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

I went into the kitchen and got two slices of bread. I found the peanut butter and jelly and

set the jars onto the counter. I began searching through the drawers for a dull knife.

I moved all the junk around in one of the drawers, coming across a prescription bottle. I

opened it and looked inside, finding ecstasy.

I glanced at Melissa to make sure she wasn't watching.

I screwed the cap back onto the bottle and put it into my pocket, then continued searching for a knife.

When I finally found one, I made the sandwich and set it onto a napkin, then grabbed a

soda from the almost empty refrigerator.

I handed them to Melissa, then took a seat, wrapping my arm around her.

She snuggled close to me.

I kissed her cheek.

We watched TV for a while.

I started feeling guilty about having the drugs in my pocket after I'd promised Melissa I'd quit.

I sighed, reaching into my pocket and pulling out the bottle. I set them on the table in

front of us.

Melissa looked at me, then snuggled closer. She continued to watch the TV.

But I couldn't take my eyes off of the prescription bottle.

My knee began jumping up and down, my heart beating faster.

Abruptly, I grabbed the bottle, heading for my father's room.

He lay, knocked out in his bed.

I set it on his nightstand, then came back and took a seat next to Melissa.

She pulled me into a tight hug.

I didn't refuse.


	6. Tickling Cigarette Waves

"Hey, guys," Melissa said.

"Hey," Nathan greeted.

"So what'd we meet everyone here for?"

"Just to hang out," said Daley.

We sat next to everyone on the large blanket that was laying on the grass.

"What happened to your face, Jackson?" Lex was concerned.

"Oh, uh…I fell."

"Fell? You told me and Eric you got beat up," said Taylor.

I glared at her.

"What?" Melissa looked at me.

"I didn't want you to be worried," I said quickly.

"You lied to me again?"

"Mel-"

"I don't believe this." She got up, heading out of the park.

"Mel, wait." I was desperate. "Please. I can explain."

"Just leave me alone, Jackson."

________________________________________________________________________

I sat there, my head resting on my knees, while everyone around me were chatting.

"Jackson?" It was Daley. "Jackson, you okay?"

I was zoned out.

"Hey, Chief?" Eric yelled.

I shook my head, lifting it from my knees. "What? Um, yeah, I agree."

Everyone looked at me strangely.

"What?" Lex said.

"Were you even listening?" Daley asked.

"Uh…no." I sighed. "Guys, I'm gonna go home."

"What's wrong?" Nathan said.

"I'm just…not feeling too good." I stood up. "See ya later."

________________________________________________________________________

"Let's just get this over with." Melissa looked at the paper on our desk.

"Mel, I'm sorry."

"Let's just finish this project, Jackson."

"Could you please let me explain?"

"Just leave-"

"I was wrong…okay? I was wrong. I admit it. I thought that maybe I shouldn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry. So I lied. And I shouldn't have. I was stupid. I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible boyfriend. And I understand if…" I swallowed, barely able to get the words out of my mouth. "…if you don't wanna be my girlfriend anymore."

She was silent, staring at me.

I sighed, getting the hint, and looked down. "I'll switch partners with Nathan tomorrow."

I was quiet the rest of the class.

My head started hurting.

I rested it in both of my hands.

Why do I always hurt the people I care most about? Why am I so messed up? What is wrong with me?

________________________________________________________________________

I sat in the lunchroom, resting my head in my hand, not eating.

I was quiet while everyone around me was having there own conversations.

Taylor was telling Eric about her new outfit, while he pretended to care.

Daley, Nathan, and Melissa were talking about the project in history.

Melissa would occasionally cast glances at me.

I picked up the plastic fork, playing with the food on my tray, my head still in one of my hands.

I'd lost Melissa all because I'd lied to her about what had happened to me. I knew it made it easier for her to break up with me because I still drank and had problems with smoking and using drugs.

All of a sudden, my leg started jumping up and down. I set the fork down, putting my other hand on my aching head.

I had to fight this addiction…for Melissa.

I rubbed my head, frustrated, closing my eyes.

An image of a cigarette popped into my head.

I squeezed my eyes tighter, but it didn't go away. I opened them, only to make the picture clearer.

I felt a hand on my knee, keeping it from jumping. I looked next to me to see Melissa.

"I told you we would fight this together…and I meant what I said."

I pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, Mel."

When we pulled apart, she held out the cigarette.

I sighed, trying to keep my eyes off it. I couldn't. "Please put that away, Mel."

My heart was beating faster, craving the nicotine. I haven't had a cigarette in over a week.

I bit my lip. "Please stop it." I drummed my fingers on my leg.

"What do you see when you close your eyes?"

"What?"

"Answer the question, Jackson."

I never took my eyes away from her hand. "I see…cigarettes…drugs and alcohol. I see you."

Her voice was soft. "What do you want in life, Jackson?"

"I wanna make you happy."

She smiled. "What do you care about most?"

"You."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Then why can't you take your eyes off the cigarette?"

"I'm sorry, Mel." I forced my eyes away from her hand, guiding them to meet hers.

"I want you to take this." She moved the cigarette closer.

"What? I can't. I quit."

"I'll believe that when you still have this at the end of the day."

I was hurt.

She noticed this. "Jackson, you need to gain that trust back. I can't be with you if I don't believe you. If you really do care about me as much as you say you do, you won't smoke this." She dropped the cigarette into my hand.

I stared at it, twirling it around. My voice was quiet…hopeless. "Why are you doing this to me, Mel?"

"Because I want to love you."

________________________________________________________________________

I waited outside of the school, leaning by back and foot against the brick wall.

I was a lot jumpier, the cigarette on my mind every second of the day.

I'd really messed up. Now Melissa didn't trust me.

She didn't love me anymore.

Why is she doing this to me? She doesn't know how hard it is to quit smoking cold turkey. And it's even harder that I have to stop the drugs at the same time.

I sighed shakily, drumming my fingers on my thigh.

"Hey, Jackson."

"Hey, Mel." I pulled the cigarette from my pocket. "Here. I gotta go." I started toward the bus stop.

She grabbed my arm, spinning me around. "I could give you a ride."

"No, thanks."

"I thought we were gonna hang out together." She was hurt.

"Um…" I sighed. "Okay." I followed Melissa to her car.

________________________________________________________________________

I sat in the passenger's seat, staring at the cigarette Melissa had purposely set on the dash. I had to force myself from reaching out and grabbing it.

Melissa sat in the driver's seat, both hands on the wheel, a satisfied expression on her face.

I didn't want to ruin her happiness.

But I couldn't take it.

My knee started jumping up and down. I sighed shakily. "Mel?"

"Hmm?"

I was quiet for a moment. "Could you move the cigarette? Please."

"No, Jackson," she said firmly.

"But, Mel-"

"No '_buts_.'"

"Okay, Mel. But I…"

She gave me a look.

I was quiet.

I felt weak, like I had to obey her every command. I wasn't feeling like myself anymore.

I stared at the cigarette again.

My mouth was dry. I tried to swallow, but couldn't.

"Please, Mel!" I begged.

She was getting angry. "Jackson, I'm trying to help you."

"This isn't helping me, Mel. This is torturing me."

"You don't know it yet. But you're getting stronger the longer you go without a cigarette."

"Couldn't I do that without staring at one all day?"

"No."

I was silent.

I rested my head on the window, staring out into the rain, occasionally glancing at the cigarette.

After a while, I spoke. "Could you let me out here?"

"Your house is ten minutes away."

"I'll walk."

"It's raining and freezing."

"I'll live."

Furious, she threw the cigarette at me, pulling the car over. "Not with this, you won't!"

I stared at the cigarette that lay in my lap. I wanted so badly to put it into my mouth and light it.

I looked at Melissa.

She stared straight ahead, furious, tears streaming down her cheeks.

I put my arm on her shoulder.

She pushed it away. "Get away from me."

Now I wished I'd never have asked to get out of the car.

"Mel, I'm sorry."

She didn't say anything.

"I'm really sorry, baby."

"Leave me alone."

I tried to give her a hug.

"Get out!" She slapped my face hard.

I gently held my cheek, looking at her, shocked. "Mel, please. I didn't mean to make you mad."

"Well, you did."

"I'm sorry. Please take me home."

"You can walk."

"It's pouring down raining."

"You'll live." She looked at me, seriously.

I looked straight in front of me, watching the rain beat down on the windshield for a while. I tried to keep the hurt expression from my face, but failed.

I looked back at Melissa, now in tears myself. "I'm so sorry, Mel."

I grabbed the door handle and pulled, stepping out into the rain, taking the cigarette with me. I closed the door behind me, watching her drive off, then turn into a gas station up ahead.

I sighed and began walking.

________________________________________________________________________

My arms were crossed, trying to keep myself warm. My shirt was glued to my skin, my hair stuck to my face. Tears fell from my eyes, mixing with the rain.

I'd been walking for five minutes now.

My house was almost an hour away on foot.

I have a lot of ground to cover.

All of a sudden, a car flew by, hitting a puddle.

A wave of mud and water splashed over me.

I stopped, wiping my eyes.

I looked ahead to see the car pull over. Then I recognized it as Melissa's car.

I sighed, looking down, then continued forward slowly, ready to be yelled at.

When I approached the car, Melissa rolled the window down.

"I am so sorry, Jackson." She couldn't hold back her laughter.

I sighed. "I guess I deserved that." I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"You sure did."

I looked down. "Sorry."

She was silent.

I reached into my pocket, pulling out the cigarette, and stuck my arm though the window, careful not to let too much water drip onto her seat. "I kinda took this. Sorry."

She took the cigarette.

After a long silence, I said, "Well, I gotta go. I gotta long way home."

"You wanna ride?"

I looked at her, thankful, then at myself. "Uh, no. I'm wet."

She laughed. "I see that."

I nodded, shivering. "See ya, Mel." I started walking.

After a moment, the car pulled up next to me again.

I looked over at Melissa.

"C'mon, Jackson. You'll get sick out here."

"I'm fine, Mel. I don't have much further to go."

"It'll take you an hour."

"I'm fine, Mel. Really."

All of a sudden, a car sped by, hitting a puddle.

The water and mud flew into the air, jumping over Melissa's car, landing on me.

Melissa laughed hysterically.

I stood there, spitting the water out of my mouth. I erupted into a coughing fit. "I think I swallowed a bug, Mel."

This only made her laugh more.

When I could finally breath, I said, "I'm glad you're enjoying all this, 'cause I sure as h*** ain't." After a moment, I realized I'd cussed. I looked at Melissa. "I'm sorry, Mel."

She'd finally managed to stop laughing.

I looked down the street, seeing a tractor trailer coming down the street.

"Crap!" I sighed, closing my eyes, then made sure my mouth was closed this time.

The water that fell onto me by the tractor caused me to fall to the ground.

When the wave passed, I heard Melissa call, "Jackson? Where'd you go?"

I lifted my hand up, clutching the open window, and pulled myself to my knees. I coughed, making sure I spat the water next to me so I wouldn't get it in her car.

"Hey, Jackson? Looks like that truck has some friends." Melissa grinned.

I looked back, seeing five more delivery trucks, each with the words '_wide load_' on it. "You have got to be kidding me!"

"Think I better close the window for this one." Melissa rolled the window up, a smile on her face.

I prepared myself.

I was hit by one long wave that lasted over ten seconds.

I felt a heavy pressure on my chest, choking on the water.

Melissa cracked the window a bit, calling out. "You okay, down there?"

I spat, the water gurgling out of my mouth. "Just peachy."

"Good. 'Cause here comes some more." She closed the window.

I lifted my head, rolling onto my stomach, seeing an ever larger group. "This cannot be happening!" I mumbled to myself.

I quickly pushed myself up, reaching for the door handle of Melissa's car.

It was locked.

I looked up to see Melissa smiling.

I banged on the window. "Mel, let me in."

"What?" She pointed to her ear. "I can't hear you."

"Let me in."

"You have to beg." She smiled playfully.

I put my hands together, already on my knees. "Please, Mel. C'mon, baby. Could I please come in? Please. I'll do anything."

She grinned. "Say, 'Melissa is the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I'm a lousy, undeserving, addicted loser.'"

I looked back to see the trucks approaching. "But, Mel-"

"Say it!"

"Alright. Alright. I'll do it." I sighed. "Melissa is the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I'm a lousy, undeserving, addicted loser."

She laughed uncontrollably, forgetting to unlock the door.

"Mel! C'mon! Please, baby!" I banged my fists against the window some more. "Let me in. Please."

The trucks were a couple feet away.

"Please, Mel."

The door unlocked.

I opened it, rushing inside. I closed the door behind me, not sitting straight in my seat. My head was next to Melissa, my feet squished against the door.

A huge wave of water hit, lasting over twenty seconds.

I was breathing heavily, narrowly escaping that.

All of a sudden, Melissa hit my head.

"Ow!" I pulled myself up, grabbing the back of my head. "What was that for?!"

"You got my leg wet and muddy!"

"I'm sorry, baby." I pulled the door handle, stepping out.

"Wait!"

I turned back to her. "What?"

All of a sudden, water splashed all over my feet. I quickly shut the door, then scooted away from the window.

"Ahh! Mel, stop!" I tried to block her blows, my head laying on her leg.

She was playful, yet her hits still hurt. "Say it."

"No."

Her hand moved to my chest.

I laughed uncontrollably. "Stop, Mel! Please! That tickles!"

"Say it."

"Fine!" I tried my hardest to talk. "Melissa is the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I'm a lousy, undeserving, addicted loser!"

She smiled, satisfied, and removed her hand.

I pushed myself up, facing the window, breathing hard.

I turned to look at her. "I can't believe you made me say that."

She laughed.

I joined in.

________________________________________________________________________

Melissa stepped out of the bathroom, wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of my sweat pants. "Thanks for letting me take a shower, Jackson."

"No problem," I said. "I guess I'm next."

She took a seat on the couch.

I walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower. I stripped out of my clothes, then

stepped inside.

The warm water covered my body as the mud slid off.

I stood under the water a while, still shivering.

_________________________________________________

I took a seat next to Melissa, putting my arm around her.

"Well, I had fun today."

I looked at her. "Lucky you."

She laughed. "You didn't have fun?"

"Heck no. All day at school, I worried about me messing us up and not smoking that

cigarette. Then I got splashed at least three times. I swallowed a bug. I got hit and tickled

by my girlfriend. Not to mention what I had to say to get you to stop and to let me in the

car." I looked at her. "And, worst of all? I think this belongs to you." I held up a tangle of

long, black hair I'd found in the shower.

She blushed.

"You can have it back if you want."

"Um...no, thanks. You can keep it."

"Uh...well, I'm very flattered, Mel, but...I'd rather not." I stood up and walked into the

kitchen, throwing the hair into the garbage can.

I went back to the couch and took a seat again, putting my arm around Melissa. I kissed

her.

She kissed back, putting her hand on my cheek.

The kiss became more passionate.

I put my hands on her waist, pulling her closer. My tongue entered her mouth, finding

hers.

My hands moved downward, clutching her butt.

Slowly, I leaned into her, pushing her back down onto the couch.

My hand moved to her chin as our tongues wrestled.

My knee was between her legs.

My heart was beating fast.

I slid my hand down her body, rubbing the inside of the top of her right leg.

After a while, I moved my hand up her body, sliding it inside her shirt, gripping her

breast.

My lips moved away from hers, nibbling her neck.

"Oh, Jackson," she moaned, wrapping her legs around my waist. Her breathing was

heavy. She started sliding the shirt from my body, throwing it onto the floor.

Her nails dug into my back, clawing me.

I took a shuddering breath.

I lifted her t-shirt over her head, then slid my hand down her body. I unzipped my pants.

I pulled her bra open and moved my mouth to her breast, lightly sucking.

I was about to slip the sweat pants down her curvy waist when my father stepped out of

his room, heading into the bathroom.

Melissa felt uncomfortable. She pushed me away from her.

I sighed, getting up and picking up her shirt from the floor.

She clasped her bra, then put the shirt over her head, pulling it over her stomach.

I zipped my pants back up, wishing my father would've waited a little bit longer before he

came out of the room.

Melissa stood. "I should be getting home."

"Mel, wait."

"It's late, Jackson. My parents will be wondering where I am."

I sighed, wishing we could've went further.

She gave me a kiss, trying to cheer me up. "I'll see ya tomorrow, okay, Jackson?"

"Yeah. Bye."

She headed for the door.

"I love you, Mel."

"I love you, too, Jackson.


	7. Fired Thoughts

I walked down the street, sulking.

I'd just been fired from my job. Now I have no money.

I haven't seen my father in a couple days, so I figured he'd moved out again. But his clothes were still in his room.

I was stuck paying the bills, and finding money for groceries and other necessities. Not to mention I still had to buy drugs from Eddie.

I wish I never would have started drugs...and cigarettes and alcohol for that matter.

I got my first cigarette from my father's room. I wanted him to punish me. I wanted him to

care.

But he didn't.

I thought that, if I started drugs and alcohol, he'd finally have to stop me.

He never did.

It soon enough became an addiction.

Then Melissa found out. She was p***ed.

*FLASHBACK*

"Jackson, what are you doing?!"

"Mel?"

"What is all of this?!"

"Mel, baby, I can explain." I rushed up from the couch and stood in front of her.

"This is illegal, Jackson!"

"I know, Mel. I-"

"Than why are you doing it?!"

"I'm sorry, baby." I pulled her into a hug, holding her tight.

"Get off of me!" She tried to push me away, but I wouldn't let her go. "Get away from

me! Jackson, I'm serious!"

I didn't move.

"Let go of me!" Her fist made contact with my face, punching hard.

I removed my arms, now cupping my broken nose.

She was fuming. "I can't believe you!"

"I'm-"

"After all that we've been through! After all that I've done to help you get through

everything! And you go and do something like this?! Is that how you repay me?!" With

every word, she punched my shoulder hard.

I couldn't get away, now pushed up in the corner. "Baby, stop."

"Don't you 'baby' me, Jackson!"

"I'm sorry."

She backed away, at a loss of words, turning her back to me.

I pushed myself out of the corner and stood in front of her again. "I...I'm sorry, baby."

Unexpectedly, she shoved me to the floor.

I landed on my wrist, hearing a bone pop. "Ahhhh!" Through clenched teeth, I spoke.

"Why are you doing this to me, Mel?"

"You brought this on yourself, Jackson. This time, I'm not gonna be there to help you

through it. All you've ever done is hurt me. I can't do this anymore. I'm done."

"Mel, wait!"

"Jackson, this is illegal! I could call the cops and have you arrested," she threatened.

"Mel, please." I was in tears now because of the situation and the excruciating pain in my

wrist. "Don't do this to me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."

She bent over me, whispering in my ear. "You think you're sorry now? You just wait."

*END FLASHBACK*

Oh, yeah. She was p***ed.

I cried that whole night, scared that I'd be locked up.

Over the next two days, I'd had to quickly come up with some money so I could get my

wrist and nose set at the hospital.

Melissa wouldn't talk to me for over a month. She'd told Nathan, who'd told Daley. And

the word spread through the group from there.

No one talked to me, always trying to avoid me.

I thought I'd lost my only friends.

*FLASHBACK*

I sat at the park, my head in my hands, my elbows on my knees.

I was so lonely.

No one would talk to me. My father didn't even care.

I hadn't said a word in over three weeks since I wasn't the type to talk to myself.

A tear escaped my eye.

Because of me, I'd lost my best friend. I'd lost all my friends for that matter. I had nothing

left. My life was worthless without Melissa.

More tears fell, landing on the ground in front of me.

All of a sudden, I felt a warm sensation on my shoulder. I looked up.

"Mel?" My voice was barely audible since I hadn't spoken in a while. I was quick to

continue. "I'm so sorry, Mel. I really am."

I could see the others standing behind her.

Melissa pulled me into a hug.

I held her tightly, crying even more. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Those were the only words I

could get myself to say.

She rubbed my back, comforting me. "Me, too, Jackson."

I pulled away from her, confused. "For what?"

"For hitting you."

"It's okay, Mel. I'm fine now."

She gently touched my wrist.

I used my other hand to wipe the tears from my eyes, then sniffled. "Are we...are we still

friends?" I said hopefully.

"No."

I hung my head as more tears fell. "I understand."

"Let me finish." She pulled my head up to face her.

I didn't want to sit here while she disowned me in front of my old friends.

The tears came as I thought about living every day like today, without anyone to talk to.

I looked into her eyes, pleading and apologetic...scared of what was coming.

"We're not friends," she continued.

I closed my eyes, but failed to keep the tears from coming, unable to look down since

Melissa's hand was under my chin.

She smiled. "We're more than that."

I looked at her, then pulled her into a hug again. "Thank you, Mel. Thank you so much."

She kissed my cheek, rubbing my back some more.

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Jackson."

*END FLASHBACK*

I jumped up onto the porch and walked into the house.

Melissa was waiting inside.

I pulled the cigarette from my pocket and handed it to her.

"You're getting better at this," she said.

"Yeah." I gave her a kiss. "And it's all thanks to you."

She smiled.

I took a seat next to her with a sigh.

"What's wrong?"

I was hesitant to answer. "I got fired."

"I'm sorry, Jackson."

None of my friends had ever had a job. They had all the money they needed, and more.

They didn't have to pay for things like I did. But they also weren't forced to buy drugs.

"It's okay. I'll find another one."

"I could get a job and help."

"No, Mel. It's okay. I got it."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. But thanks anyway."

She kissed my cheek.

I slumped onto the couch.

Melissa looked down at me. "So what do you wanna do today?"

"I don't know. What about you?"

"I don't know." She put her hand in mine.

I reached up an kissed her.

She kissed back, putting her hand on my cheek.

She leaned into me, pushing my back onto the couch.

We made out for a while, until she pulled away from me and stood up.

I looked at her, wondering if something was wrong.

She extended a hand.

I took it.

She pulled me up, leading me into my bedroom.

We didn't even make it to the bed when I pushed her up against the wall, undressing her.

________________________________________________________________________

I lay there, sweating and panting, Melissa next to me.

She was breathing heavily. She managed to say, "Four times...Jackson...you are amazing."

I grabbed her hand, rolling on top of her again, reconnecting our mouths.

________________________________________________________________________

"Mel?" I spoke softly, gently shaking her shoulder. "Baby, wake up."

Her eyes slowly opened. When she saw me, she smiled. "Hey, honey."

"We gotta go to school."

She yawned and stretched.

"Your clothes are in the bathroom. I got some from your house."

Her eyes went wide. "You didn't tell my parents, did you?"

"No. I snuck in on the balcony of your room."

"Thanks."

I kissed her. "No problem." I stepped out of the room so she could take a shower and get

dressed.

________________________________________________________________________

We sat at the lunch table, everyone chatting.

I put a hand on Melissa's knee and my free arm around her.

She looked at me.

I kissed her. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Jackson."


	8. My Mistake

I sighed, walking into the dance club, then headed for the stairs. I knocked on the door.

After a moment, someone opened the door, motioning me inside.

I stepped inside slowly.

Someone shoved me from behind. "Move it!"

I walked to Eddie.

"Where's my money?" he said, an angry woman sitting in his lap.

"I don't have it."

"You were supposed to have it two weeks ago. The thing is, the money that I use to buy this stuff comes from my baby's banking account. As you can see, she's a little p***ed off about it."

I stayed quiet, everyone's eyes on me, waiting. I could feel the daggers being shot from

the other members of the gang.

Eddie turned to the woman. "You wanna take care of this one?"

"Baby, you gonna let me do it?"

"You deserve it."

She gave him a kiss, then quickly got up and came to me, slapping my face with the back

of her hand with great strength, her nails scratching my skin.

I fell onto the ground.

She stepped on my lower stomach with her high heel shoe.

I winced, squeezing my eyes shut tight, trying to keep from screaming out.

The woman looked up at the gang members that were cracking their knuckles impatiently.

"Beat his a**." She took a seat on Eddie's lap.

The gang members came toward me, throwing punches and kicks.

"Two-fifty," Eddie called after someone punched my face. When someone kicked my

lower stomach, he said, "Six hundred."

One man cut my torso with a knife, earning twelve hundred dollars.

The money-hungry gang members would find things around the room that was useful to

hit with. Some slammed chairs and pipes against my body.

I lay there, trying to block the blows, covering my face with my arms.

* * *

I lay in bed, too sore to move.

My head pulsed, my bleeding nose broken again. My hair was a mess. Both my eyes were

black, my lip busted. I would occasionally cough up blood. My dry throat was on fire. I

was thirsty, but I couldn't get up. There were bruises and scratches all over my body. I was breathing in a weird pattern, trying to feel as little pain as possible. My feet hurt from having to walk all the way home, having to take back ways to avoid attention.

All of a sudden, I heard the front door open.

"Jackson?"

"Mel?" I tried to call her, but couldn't speak above a whisper.

"Jackson? You home?"

"Mel, I'm in here."

"I guess he's not here," she said to herself.

After a moment, I heard the door open, then close again.

A tear left my eye.

I gathered all my strength, then tried to push myself up. I rolled off the bed, pushing myself to my feet. I staggered to the door of the bedroom, opening it, then stumbled out. I went to the front door and turned the knob. I looked outside.

Melissa was walking to her car.

I tried to call to her, put I could barely whisper now. "Mel?" I leaned on the door, barely able to stand. "Melissa?"

I tried to take a step out the door, put my other leg gave out. I fell onto the floor, tears falling down my eyes.

I heard footsteps running through the grass, then stepping onto the porch.

"Jackson? Why didn't you answer when I called you?" Melissa came toward me. "What are you doing on the floor?"

"Mel? Please help me."

"Jackson, what's wrong?" She was concerned. She was in front of me now, squatting onto her knees. She observed me. "What happened?!"

"Can you please help me up?"

She gripped my arm, pulling me into a standing position.

"Ahhh!" I clutched my side as she helped me onto the couch.

"Jackson, what happened?"

"I'm really hurting, Mel."

She was frantically trying to think of what to do. "I'll call an ambulance."

"No, Mel. Wait." I reached out and gripped her arm. "I can't afford a hospital bill. I'll be fine."

"Jackson, you're going to the hospital. I'll pay for it."

"No. I'll be okay. They won't do anything but give me medicine for the pain. That's not worth all that money."

"Yes, it is, Jackson. You're hurt."

"Melissa, please." I was crying.

Tears fell from her eyes as she looked at me. "Okay, Jackson."

"Thank you."

"I'm calling the others."

"But-"

"What did I tell you about saying that word?"

"I'm sorry, Mel."

* * *

"They're on there way. My parents are coming over, too, since they're doctors."

"I'll be fine, Mel. I don't need a doctor."

"Yes, you do! Just shut up and wait for everyone to get here!"

I could tell she was stressing about this. I knew she didn't mean to take her anger out on me.

But I listened to her, staying quiet.

* * *

Melissa lifted my head, taking a seat on the couch, then set it gently on her leg. Her hands played with my hair. Tears fell from her eyes.

I reached out and gripped her hand, reassuring her.

She looked down at me, trying her hardest to smile.

"I love you, Mel."

"I love you, too." She leaned over to kiss me, accidentally baring her hand down onto my stomach.

I erupted into a coughing fit, blood dripping out of my mouth and onto the floor as I rolled over, falling off the couch.

"Oh my gosh! Jackson!" She looked around frantically. "What do you want me to do?" Tears were still in her eyes.

I wanted so much to cry, myself. But one of us had to stay strong.

I coughed, trying to speak. "Mel…it'll be okay. I…promise, baby. It'll be over…in a minute."

But it wasn't.

I was on my knees, my forehead on the floor, writhing in pain. I clutched my stomach.

Melissa was rubbing my back, horrified.

I wanted to tell her to stop. My back was pretty sore and it hurt when her hand moved up and down it. But I couldn't speak, still coughing after five minutes.

All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door.

Melissa quickly got up, and answered it.

Our friends rushed inside, Melissa's parents following behind.

I fell onto my side, unable to hold myself up, finally finished coughing.

Her parents ran toward me, pulling me up and onto the couch.

"He's lost a lot of blood," Mrs. Wu said. "Through coughing and the cut on his stomach." She observed the wound. "It's still bleeding."

Mr. Wu looked at me. "Would you happen to have any alcohol?"

"In the refrigerator."

"I'll get it," Melissa offered.

I knew it was because she didn't want her parents to see that alcohol was currently the only thing in the refrigerator.

She came back with a bottle, then handed it to her father.

He opened it. "Now this is gonna sting a little, son."

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, preparing myself.

I felt Melissa's hand in mine.

I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at her. I gave her a reassuring smile.

It quickly faded when the alcohol spilled onto my skin.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I tried my hardest not to squeeze Melissa's hand. I didn't want to hurt her.

Tears filled her eyes. She squeezed my hand, almost breaking my fingers.

I tried to pulled away, but couldn't.

"Someone get a towel," Mr. Wu commanded.

Nathan hurried into the bathroom, coming back with a towel, and handed it to the doctor.

Mr. Wu pressed it against the cut.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Melissa squeezed my hand tighter, earning a scream from me.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" My teeth were clenched together, trying to keep myself from cursing.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, turning to see Lex.

He gave me a reassuring smile.

I forced myself to stop screaming. I didn't want to scare him.

After a while, I calmed down.

* * *

"What happened?" Daley asked.

"I got beat up," I said quietly, my voice raspy.

"Well, we can see that," said Eric.

I didn't say anything.

After a long moment of silence, Taylor realized. "The drug dealer did this to you, didn't he?"

Everyone looked at her.

"What?" Melissa said.

"Mel, I can explain," I said.

"I'll explain for you since you can barely talk," Taylor said.

I sighed, closing my eyes. I knew I shouldn't have told her.

"Remember that day he came home with a scratch on his face? That was because the drug dealer beat him up."

"What is all this talk about a drug dealer?" Mrs. Wu said.

Simply, Taylor said, "Jackson does drugs."

I put my hand on my head, sighing. Great.

"I thought you quit," Melissa said.

"I did, Mel."

She looked at me skeptically.

"I swear."

She believed me.

"Melissa, your mother and I need to speak with you outside."

Melissa followed her parents to the door.

Once they were outside, the door closed behind them, her father yelled, "What are you hanging around that trash for?!"

"He's my friend."

Everyone in the house could hear their conversation.

I closed my eyes.

"He does drugs, Mel!" Mr. Wu yelled.

"He quit."

"How do you know?"

"He told me."

"He lied. People like him are great at that. I don't want you hanging out with that dirt bag again."

"But, Dad-"

"Give me one good reason why I should."

Melissa didn't say anything.

"Go ahead," her father said.

She said nothing.

"Get your stuff and get in the car. You're never gonna see him ever-"

"I'm pregnant!"

My eyes shot open.

Everyone in the room stared at me.

I avoided their eyes.

Outside, everybody was silent.

After a minute, her father spoke. "We're leaving. Get your stuff."

Melissa stormed inside, heading toward the couch.

Everyone watched her.

She picked up her book bag, then bent over me.

I was still in shock.

She was about to kiss me when her father appeared in the doorway.

"Melissa! Let's go!"

"I'll see you later, Jackson," she said quietly before walking out the door.

I looked around the room.

Everyone stared at me, silent.

I covered my face with my hands and exhaled shakily.

* * *

It's been a month since then.

I was turning into a nervous wreck.

I hadn't seen or talked to Melissa ever since that day. I needed to know if what she said was true.

In some ways, I was happy. Melissa and I share a part of each other now. I'd make sure I'd care for the baby unlike my father is with me.

I was also angry with myself. How could I get Melissa pregnant? She doesn't deserve this. What is she going to do about school? She's too young. This is all my fault.

I took a swig of alcohol, then set the bottle onto the table.

I pulled a cigarette from my pocket, putting it into my mouth, and lit it. I exhaled shakily.

After a moment, I picked up the phone, dialing a number.

It rang a few times before someone answered. "Hello?"

"Nathan? Did you talk to Melissa?"

"Yeah."

"Is she really…"

"Yeah," he said quietly.

I leaned my head onto the back of the couch, putting my hand on it. "S***!"

Nathan was silent.

"How's she doing?"

"She's grounded. Her parents were so embarrassed that they made her drop out of school."

I bet she was really hurting right now. I hated that I couldn't be there to help her through this.

I sighed. "Could you tell her that I'm sorry…and I love her? Please."

"Sure, Jackson. Listen. I gotta go. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Yeah. See ya."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone.

Think about what you did, Jackson. You just got Melissa pregnant. You ruined her education…her future. You're responsible for screwing up her life.


	9. Eight Legged Freaks

I stayed on the couch for most of the time I spent alone, sulking about what I'd done to Melissa.

I didn't go anywhere. I'd even quit school.

The only reason I'd leave the house was to go to work since I'd found a job. I'd worked things out with Eddie. Now I was helping him sell drugs, earning a lot of money.

I stared at the small square in my hand.

It had a picture of The Rolling Stone's logo-a mouth with its tongue sticking out. The background was green.

I sighed, then placed the LSD blotter tab onto my tongue, waiting for its effects to take over.

________________________________________________________________________

"Jackson?!" The large spider crawled toward me.

I was sweating and shaking, sitting in the corner. My heart was beating rapidly. My breathing was fast and deep. My body was numb. I felt weak. I was hearing colors and seeing sounds. I'd shiver as smaller spiders crawled all over my skin.

"Jackson, what's wrong?!" The largest spider with silky black hair was now standing in front of me.

I tried to back up, but I was trapped in the corner. "Leave me alone!"

The spider reached out with a limb, placing it on my shoulder.

I quickly grabbed the arm, pushing it off, then I violently shoved the spider away from me.

"Jackson, what is wrong with you?!" The spider was furious. After a minute, it got up and headed to the phone, dialing a number. "Nathan? Something's wrong with, Jackson." After a moment, it said. "I don't know. He's acting all weird." There was a short pause, then it said, "Thank you, Nathan." It hung up the phone, coming toward me again.

It tried to get away, but it held me down. After a while of frustration, I punched one of its many eyes, causing it to fall backwards. I rushed up, heading for a nearby window that was on the higher side of the trailer.

All of a sudden, I fell onto the floor. I looked back to see the spider grabbing my foot.

"Let go!" I yelled, trying to kick. I missed every time with poor aim because of my bad coordination.

I tried to crawl away, but the spider wouldn't let go of my foot.

It started crawling on top of me.

I tried to push myself up, but I was too weak.

The spider's head was right above mine, inches away.

I could hear what it said, but it didn't function in my brain.

"Jackson. Jackson, its me. It's Melissa."

"Please," I begged. Tears fell from my eyes. "Don't eat me. I'm sorry."

The spider loosened its grip, looking at me sympathetically.

I took advantage of this, lifting my arm and pushing it off me with a great force. I quickly stood, heading for the window again, only to be knocked to the floor. I looked up to see another spider, this one with curly brown hair.

"Jackson, stop!" It tried to hold my arms down, but couldn't. After a while, it punched my face hard.

My nose started bleeding as my hands cupped it.

The spider pulled me to my feet and threw me into the bathroom.

I hit the floor, then quickly pushed myself up, trying to get out.

The spider slammed the door shut just as I reached it.

I banged my fist against it. "Let me out! Please! I'm sorry!" I turned around for a moment, having a weird feeling.

The walls were breathing.

My eyes were wide with fear as I banged my fists against the door some more. "Help me! It's gonna get me! Please! Let me out!"

Small spiders rushed out of the wall, trying to pull me in. They leapt on me, crawling all over my skin.

"Please! Open this f***ing door! Let me out, d***it! Please! They're on me! The wall's trying to suck me in! No! Stop! Get off! Leave me alone! Don't! Help! Help me! Please! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

________________________________________________________________________

The door opened as the curly-headed spider stepped inside.

I fell backwards and into the bathtub, my eyes wide with fear, then pushed myself up onto my elbows. I scooted away, until my back was pressed up against the corner. "Oh, s***! S***! Please don't hurt me! I'm sorry! I'll do anything! Please!" I was sobbing uncontrollably. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

The spider came at me.

I squeezed my eyes shut, preparing for a blow to the jaw.

When I didn't receive one, I opened my eyes and looked at the spider.

It sat on the edge of the tub, watching me.

I swallowed, trembling, gripping the shower curtain in my fist. "Please don't hurt me," I whispered.

"Get up, Jackson." When I didn't, it yelled. "Get up!"

I quickly obeyed, almost sliding back down the slick tub in the process.

"Come here."

I stepped out of the tub, slowly walking in front of the spider.

It stared at me.

I felt weak, dizzy. My legs gave out, and I fell onto my knees. I looked at the floor, tears falling.

The spider grabbed my chin, observing me, moving my head around. "Stop crying."

My voice was quiet. "I'm sorry."

Suddenly, the spider was still, staring at me strangely. After a moment, it continued its examination.

I could see the other spider in the doorway.

"Everyone's on their way over. What's wrong with him?" it said.

The spider that inspected me looked at her. "Drugs."

The one in the doorway stared at me, disappointed.

I trembled, breathing rapidly, shakily. "I'm sorry. I can change. Please don't hurt me." I was scared enough that they'd said there were more coming over.

The spider with the curly hair stood up, heading toward the other, frustrated. It looked at me. "Do you know who we are?"

I sat on the floor, my knees pulled close to my chest. "Spiders."

They were shocked. After a moment, they came toward me.

I tensed as one sat on each side of me.

The spider on my left reached an arm out, touching my cheek.

I trembled even more, blinking. I gulped.

"It's me: Melissa, your girlfriend."

I looked at the spider, horrified. Boy, do I know how to pick them.

Suddenly, I felt something in my stomach, slowly rising.

I quickly moved to the toilet, clutching my stomach as I threw up.

All of a sudden, I felt Melissa's arm on my back, which made me feel ever sicker.

When I was finished throwing up, I sat down on the floor, leaning against the sink cabinet across from Nathan.

Melissa sat next to me, rubbing my leg.

I was horrified, uncomfortable as her long, skinny, insect-like arm came closer and closer to my lower stomach.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." I leaned over the toilet again, puking my guts out.

________________________________________________________________________

"Hey, man," Nathan said, stepping into the bathroom. "You got some visitors."

My head rested on my knees. "Are they spiders?"

"No. They're your friends."

I looked up as everyone came inside.

"Hey," the redheaded spider said.

I looked at her suspiciously.

"It's me: Daley."

Nathan looked at her. "He's still a little…" Her twirled his finger at the side of his head.

The spider wearing a straw hat said, "That's nothing new."

Nathan glared at him. "Shut up, Eric."

"Why don't we go to the living room?" Melissa said. "There's more room."

"Jackson, let's go to the living room." Nathan was about to pull me up.

"I went to my stomach." I started rambling. "I went down into my stomach and all these spiders came out. I never knew there were spiders in my stomach. I was there ten years. And all that time, these spiders kept chewing on me. They were big spiders."

Everyone stared at me. Eric looked at me like I was crazy.

Maybe I was.

"I screamed and screamed and screamed. But nobody came to help me." I was shaking again. "I kept trying to get back, but the spiders held me down. He held me down and chewed on me and the colors went in and out. I listened to the colors, and they were screaming, too. Red and yellow screamed loudest. The spiders were eating them, too."

"He kept trying to jump out the window," Nathan informed everyone.

"We should take him to the hospital," the smallest spider suggested.

"He'll be okay, Lex," Melissa said.

"Why don't you call your parents?" Daley said.

"Because they won't help him. They'll just come pick me up."

"There was this other color," I said seriously, but half-afraid, as if all the spiders would come after me any minute. "I don't know its name. It told me, but I forgot. It said I was being paid back for all the carrots I ate. I didn't know-I thought-I didn't know about the carrots before. I don't think it was my fault." I started crying, tears pouring down my face. But my expression didn't change. I was scared, shaking. "Do you think I should be paid back for something I didn't know about?"

"I don't think it was your fault," Melissa said.

"Let's help him into the living room," Nathan said.

"I'm so tired," I said. "I was gone so long, and I didn't have any sleep."

Everyone helped me into the next room.

As I took a seat onto the couch, the front door opened.

A blonde girl stepped inside-the only human I've seen in a while. She took a seat next to me, giving me a hug. "I'm so glad you're okay." After a minute, she pulled away from me.

I looked into her eyes. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," slipped out of my mouth.

All of a sudden, a furious Melissa stormed toward the door.

" Melissa, wait," Nathan said.

"No! I'm done with all this!" She turned to me. "After all I've done to help you…and this is how you repay me?" She shook her head angrily. Before running out the door, she said, "My father was right about you."

________________________________________________________________________

I tried to sleep, but couldn't. "Spiders," I mumbled. "Leave me alone. I didn't know about the carrots." All of a sudden, I shot up on the couch.

Nathan pushed me back down, talking quietly, comforting me.

"Will he always be like this?" Daley asked.

"I'm not sure," Lex said. "He might get better, or he may have lost his mind forever. Either way, I don't believe he'll ever be completely the same."


	10. Legs On The Ceiling

I no longer saw people as spiders. I wasn't in love with Taylor anymore.

But Lex was right.

I never was the same.

* * *

"Nathan, get it!"

"I'm trying."

"Don't hurt it!"

He looked at me. "Then you do it."

"No," I said shakily.

"Fine."

"Don't kill it!"

"That's it!" He threw the newspaper onto the ground. "I give up!"

Daley picked up the paper, then stood up on a chair in the corner. She balanced herself, then looked up at the large spider. She slid the paper under its eight legs, then slowly got off the chair. She headed for the door.

"Thank you, Daley," I emphasized, glaring at Nathan.

"No problem," she said. "It's just a-" All of a sudden, she was tripped by Eric.

The newspaper flew out of her hands, landing at my feet.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" Taylor screamed.

Breathing heavily, I stared at the spider that had legs over three inches long.

It came toward me.

I scooted backwards over the arm of the couch, falling onto the floor. I backed up, hitting a corner. I pulled my knees toward my chest, wrapping my arms around them.

The spider was on the floor now, coming toward me.

My eyes flared with fear. I put my head on my knees to cover my eyes. After a moment, I lifted my head.

The spider was on my foot.

I tried my hardest not to scream as it climbed up my leg.

It slowly crawled up my arm.

When it touched my neck, I leaned my head away from it and against the wall, tears escaping my tightly shut eyes. I could feel each step it took. My breathing was shaky. I bit my lip after I'd let a whimper escape.

All of a sudden, the spider was gone.

I opened my eyes to see Lex standing in front of me, spider in hand. "Lex, what are you doing?"

"Put that down!" Daley yelled.

"Relax," said Lex. "It's just a daddy long leg. They say it's the most poisonous spider. But its mouth is too small to bite humans."

I shivered. "I was kidding, Nathan. You can kill it."

"Are you crazy?! I'm not going anywhere near that thing."

"Nobody's killing it," Lex said. "I'll take it home and keep it."

"No!" Daley exclaimed.

Lex looked at the spider. "I shall name you-"

"Don't name it," said Daley.

"…Tim."

"Looks like he's named it. Now he's already attached. Guess you can't get rid of it now." Eric patted Daley's back, smiling.

"Shut up. Or I'll put that thing through the window of your bedroom while you sleep."

Eric quickly went silent, stepping away from Daley.

"What are you doing with spiders this big in your house, Jackson?" Nathan said.

"I don't know. I've never noticed it before."

"Yeah," Eric said. "That's because you weren't scared of spiders up until a week ago."

Daley glared at him again. After a moment she said, "I guess we better go so we can take…Tim home."

"See ya, guys."

"Bye," Nathan said as he walked out the door, followed by the others, Taylor screaming the whole way.

I rested my head on the wall, shaking too much to stand.


	11. Lie Of Hate

"What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to Melissa."

"No, you don't."

"Please, sir."

He looked behind me, then motioned me inside. "I wanna talk to you."

I stepped into the house.

Once the door was shut, Mr. Wu started yelling. "How could you do this to my daughter?!"

"Sir, I'm sorry. I-"

"What is wrong with you?!"

"I-"

"Why did you do that to her?!"

"I-"

"Was it because you had to fulfill your sexual desires?!"

"It-"

"Huh?!"

"I-"

"Why aren't you answering my questions, boy?!"

"I'm-"

"You messed up her life!"

"I know. I-"

"You know?!" He grabbed two fistfuls of my shirt, pushing me against the wall.

"I'm sorry, sir."

"I swore to Melissa that, if I ever saw you again…I was gonna kill you."

I swallowed.

"She made me promise I wouldn't. But she never said anything about teaching you a lesson."

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, turning my head a little.

"So how many other women have you screwed around with?"

"What?! Sir, I haven't-"

He punched me. "Wrong answer. Melissa told me you liked some other girl now. She was crying when she got home."

"I didn't know what I was doing. I was-"

"High? On drugs? I watched you as you promised Melissa that you'd quit."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"You're just a filthy liar, like your father!" He punched my lower stomach.

I doubled over in pain. "Sir, I'm sorry. Please…" Tears fell from my eyes.

His knees made contact with my nose.

My head flew back and hit the wall. I fell to the floor.

"You f***ing rapist!"

"What?! Sir, I didn't-" I clutched my ribs when he kicked. "Please! Stop! You're hurting me!"

"Good." He kicked again. "You deserve it after all the pain you've caused us…all the lives you've ruined."

I coughed up blood. "I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry."

"'Sorry' isn't good enough! You raped her! Do you think we'd ever forgive you for that?!"

"I didn't-ahhhhhhhhh!" I was kicked again. "Please. Please stop, sir. Please. I'm sorry. Please."

He grabbed my shirt, pulling me to my feet. "If I hadn't made a promise to Melissa, you'd be dead right now. See? Unlike you, I keep my promises. I'm just gonna hurt you until you wished you were dead." He threw me at the stairs.

I hit them, then tried to pull myself up them.

Mr. Wu grabbed my ankle, yanking me back.

"Please!" I begged. "Stop! Please!" When he didn't let go, I kicked his lower stomach.

He fell on the floor in pain, letting my foot go.

I rushed up the stairs.

When I was at the top, Mr. Wu grabbed my ankle, causing me to trip. He flipped me onto my back, punching and kneeing my lower stomach.

"Ahhhhhhh!" I was desperate. I called, "Help! Please! Help me!"

All of a sudden, a door opened and Melissa stepped out of her room.

"Who is making-oh my…Dad, what are you doing?! Stop it!" She rushed toward us, pulling her father away from me.

He stood, giving me one last kick.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" I was crying and bleeding, clutching my lower stomach.

"Can't get anyone else pregnant now, can you?!" Mr. Wu yelled. He kicked again.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Dad, stop it!" Melissa yelled.

"Fine. But I gotta show him the door." He picked me up, throwing me down the stairs.

I tumbled all the way down, hitting the side of my face against the wall when I reached the bottom.

Mr. Wu headed down the stairs toward me.

I tried to move, but couldn't.

He picked me up by my shirt, opening the door. He a gave me a small push.

I fell down on the porch.

"Take as long as you want," Mr. Wu said. "I know it hurts." He shut the door.

I lay there, unable to move, sobbing uncontrollably.

After a while, the door opened, then shut quietly.

Melissa sat on her knees next to me, rubbing my back. She was crying, too. "I'm so sorry, Jackson."

"Help me, Mel. Please."

She dialed three numbers on the phone, about to press call.

"Mel, don't. Your father will go to jail. I'll be okay."

She sighed, then dialed a new number. After a moment, she said. "Nathan, Jackson's hurt. Can you come pick us up?" There was a pause. "Yeah. We're at my house." She waited a moment before she spoke. "Please hurry." She hung up the phone.

Melissa looked at me. "I'll be right back, okay, Jackson?"

"Don't let him get me."

"I won't. I promise." She squeezed my hand before quietly sneaking into the house.

________________________________________________________________________

Nathan helped me up, leading me toward his car, Melissa following behind us, suitcase in hand.

I'd tried to persuade her to stay, but she wouldn't listen.

Nathan opened the door, helping me into the car.

I rested my head on the window.

After a moment, the engine started, and the car pulled out of the driveway.

My head would keep slipping down the window.

Melissa gently pulled it to lay on her shoulder.

"Thank you, Mel." I was comfortable with her arm wrapped around me. I closed my eyes, falling asleep.

________________________________________________________________________

"Jackson? Wake up, honey."

I was in so much pain.

I opened my eyes to see Melissa looking down at me. My head lay on her leg.

"We gotta get you into the house."

"Okay, Mel." I pushed myself up, feeling a little better.

Nathan supported me as we walked across the yard and into the house. He set me onto the couch.

"Thanks, man," I said.

"No problem. I gotta get on home. It's getting late. I'll see you guys later."

"Bye," Melissa said.

Nathan walked out of the house.

Melissa sat next to me, her arm around my shoulders. She pulled me closer.

I rested my head on her chest. My eyes traveled to her stomach. I rubbed it gently.

It was hard to believe there was life in there, growing…breathing…living.

Melissa and I spoke at once. "I'm sorry."

I pushed myself up to look at her. "You're sorry?"

"I told my father that you raped me. I was too scared to get into trouble. I didn't know he'd hurt you."

I looked downward. "I guess I deserved it."

Melissa pulled my head up to face her. "No, you didn't. No one does. Especially not you. You always say that when you're hurt. Why?"

"I did deserve it. I lied to you, Mel. And I ruined your future."

Melissa was quiet for a long while.

"Please speak to me, baby."

"You wanna know what I think?"

I nodded.

"I think that you want your father to care about you, which means punishing you when you should be…because you need to know he loves you. So you punish yourself to pay for all the wrongs you've done. Because you feel that we won't love you if you go unpunished." She took my hands in her, looking at my scarred wrists.

"How long have you known?"

"Since that night when we…you know?"

I nodded.

"Remember when I was on top of you, pinning your arms down?"

"How could I forget?"

She smiled. "That's when I found out."

I looked down.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought you'd be mad. And you'd want me to quit. But it's hard to give up four addictions at once." I was ashamed. "Mel, I started smoking again. And you know about the drugs. I never quit alcohol."

She was disappointed.

"I'm sorry, baby." I prepared myself, ready to be yelled at.

Melissa gently touched my cheek.

I jumped, thinking she was going to slap me.

She noticed this. "Jackson, don't you understand? I'm not gonna punish you."

I looked at her, scared that she'd break up with me. "Mel, no. Don't leave me. Please."

"I'm not going anywhere."

I wrapped my arm around her. "Thank you, Mel."


	12. Missing Part Of My Life

I woke up to bright flashing lights. I looked around, rubbing my eyes.

The blue and red lights blinded me.

I slid out from under Melissa, quietly landing on the floor. I stood up, heading toward the window to close the blinds, when I tripped over my shoe.

I hit the floor with a loud thump.

I slowly turned onto my back, pushing myself up with my elbow, hoping I didn't wake Melissa up.

I didn't.

I sighed.

"Jackson?"

S***!

"Yeah, baby?"

She smiled, opening her eyes, then quickly closed them when the light shined. "What is that?"

"I think it's the cops."

She shot up. "It's not for you, is it?"

"I don't know, baby."

"Jackson, you can't leave me."

"I won't, baby."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

I gulped.

Melissa looked at me, worried.

"It'll be okay, baby," I said, pushing myself to my feet.

I headed for the door, Melissa following behind me. I turned the knob and looked out at the police officer and his car with its bright lights.

"Are you Cody Jackson?"

I glanced at Melissa.

She was trying to hide her fear.

"Yes, sir."

"May I come inside and speak to you?"

"Uh…sure." I opened the door wider so the cop could come inside.

He did, taking off his hat.

We headed for the living room.

The officer took a seat on the couch, Melissa next to him.

I grabbed a nearby chair, turning it backwards, and took a seat.

The cop looked at me. "Does your father live here?"

"Sometimes."

"When's the last time you saw him?"

"Almost two months ago."

His face was pained.

I wasn't sure why he wanted to know about my father. "Why?"

"He's dead."

* * *

Even though he didn't love me, I loved him.

But I'd never told him.

And that's what I regret most.

We'd never had a real father-and-son conversation. We haven't been camping, fishing, or to a baseball game. We've never took a walk through the park. We'd never adopted a puppy. We've never talked about how I shouldn't hang out with girls because they had cooties. We've never told jokes that weren't even funny. We've never talked about the silver lining…whatever that was. We've never eaten a meal with each other at the table…or the couch for that matter. We'd never worked on a car together. We've never talked about how my day was at school. He wasn't there on my first day of school. He'd never helped me with my homework or vocabulary words for a test. He'd never embarrassed me in front of my friends like other kids' parent do. He'd never taught me how to drive, ride a bike, or swim. He'd never took me to the doctor when I was sick. He'd never tuck me into bed and give me millions of kisses on my forehead that everyone else pretends to hate when their father did it to them. He'd never kissed my bruises or told me that everything would be okay. He never told me he loved me.

But that's because he didn't

He'd never cared.

* * *

I stood there, staring at his battered body, a tear escaping my eye.

Melissa pulled me into a hug, while Nathan put his hand on my shoulder.

This was all my fault. I'm the reason my father is dead.

I knew exactly who it was that did this to my father.

And I was going to pay Eddie back.


	13. Duped Commands

"Please, Mel."

"I'm not going back there!"

"Please, d***it!"

She was hurt.

"Look. It's just for a little while. I need some time alone."

"I thought we'd work everything out together."

"We will. I just need some time alone. Please."

"I'm not going to my dad's house. I've told you that already."

"Why not?"

"Because I hate him!"

"Don't say that."

"It's true."

"No, it isn't…Mel!" I tried to calm down. "You have a dad. You should be there with him while you still can. Because, if you don't-trust me-you'll regret it later."

She didn't respond.

"Please, Mel. Please. What do you want me to do? Get on my knees and beg?"

She smiled.

I sighed. "Fine." I got down onto my knees, putting my hands together. "Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please…please. Please, Mel. Please."

"Well…" She looked thoughtful.

"I'll give you anything."

"Like that very, very expensive diamond necklace at the jewelry store?"

"Uh…yeah."

"And the earrings that match?"

"Yes."

She thought for a moment.

"Please, Mel. C'mon."

"I don't know."

"I'll do anything."

"All the chores for a year."

"Okay."

"I'm still not sure."

"C'mon. Please. I begged. I'll do the chores. I'll get the necklace."

"And the earrings."

"And the earrings. Please, baby."

She was quiet.

"What else do you want me to do?"

She smirked. "Say it."

"Oh, no, Mel. Now way. Uh-uh. Not happening." I stood up. "Forget about it. You ain't getting me with that one again."

She shrugged, turning.

I licked my lips, hoping she was bluffing.

She wasn't.

I was getting jumpy by the time she reached the kitchen. "Mel, wait."

She turned with a smile.

"I'll do it." I held my hands up. "I surrender."

"I knew you would."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you did," I mumbled.

"Knees, please."

I dropped down to the floor on my knees.

"Any time now."

I sighed, looking down. "Melissa is-"

"I can't hear you."

I picked my head up. "Melissa is the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl I've ever see, and I'm a lousy, undeserving, addicted loser."

"I couldn't hear that last part."

"Sure you couldn't," I mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"On with the last part, please."

"Loser."

"No. I meant the whole last part-the whole clause."

"I'm a lousy, undeserving, addicted loser."

"One more time."

"I'm a lousy, undeserving, addicted loser."

"Huh?"

"I'm a lousy, undeserving, addicted loser, alright?! I'm. A. Lousy. Undeserving. Addicted. Loser."

"I think we should change that a bit. Don't you?"

"That's all I ask."

"Oh, really?"

I looked up at her. "Mel, wait."

"Nope."

"I didn't-"

"Too late."

"C'mon. I-"

"Oh, well."

I gave up. "What's the new one?"

"'I promise to obey Melissa's every command for a week because she is so much better than me. And I am a childish Melissa-addict that is scared of spiders and terrified of not being loved.'"

My head shot up.

She looked at me expectantly.

I was silent.

"Too hard for you?"

I sighed shakily. "No. Not at all."

"Well are you gonna say it?"

"Absolutely."

She waited a moment before saying, "Go on."

I exhaled. "I promise to obey Melissa's every command for a week because she is so much better than me. And I am a childish Melissa-addict that is scared of spiders and…and…"

"And…" Melissa said.

I swallowed. "…and terrified of not being loved."

She chuckled. "I almost got you that time, huh?"

"Yeah." I stood. "But I'll get you back."

"You haven't even made me say anything yet."

"In case you haven't noticed, I kinda suck at this."

"No, you don't." She wrapped her arm around me. "I'm just too good for you."

"Thanks, Mel," I said sarcastically.

"You're welcome."

Melissa and I had a unique relationship. We always joke around with each other: the begging and making each other say something like I'd had to.

After a moment, I spoke. "So…"

"So…"

"Will you let me stay here by myself for a while?"

"Nope."

"What?! But you-"

"-said you'd obey all of my commands."

"You tricked me."

"Yeah." She smiled. "Consider yourself duped."

I took a seat on the couch.

Melissa put her head on my leg, her feet over the armrest.

I absentmindedly played with her hair, my eyes troubled.

She watched me. "Jackson?"

I looked down at her. "Yeah, baby?"

"If you really wanna be alone that much, I'll stay with my dad."

"Thank you, Mel." I kissed her forehead.

"But for no longer than a month. Got that?"

"Yeah."

"Good." After a moment, she said, "You wanna pack my suitcase for me?"

I got up, gently removing her head from my leg.

I had to obey her commands for a weeks. And a question was her nice was of telling me to do something.

"I love you," she said.

"I love you, too, baby." I bent over, giving her a kiss.


	14. Life Flashing Through My Eyes

I stayed in bed most of the time I was alone, sulking.

I hadn't changed clothes or shaved since Melissa left.

I reached over to my nightstand, pulling the drawer open. I grabbed a random prescription bottle. I opened the cap, turning the bottle over above my mouth.

Nothing a came.

I looked inside to find the bottle was empty.

I threw it in the corner, reaching into the drawer for another.

I pulled out a couple of empty ones before finding a bottle that contained ecstasy.

I popped the cap off, absentmindedly pouring a large amount into my mouth.

I threw the now-empty bottle onto the floor, grabbing the alcohol from beside me. I took a long swig, resting my head onto my pillow.

________________________________________________________________________

The phone rang.

Hesitantly, I picked it up. "Hello?"

"Jackson, where's my money?"

"I don't have it yet, Eddie."

"What?! It's been over a month."

"I'll get it."

"You better. I want it tonight."

"But-"

"Tonight!"

"But I don't-"

"If that money isn't in my hand by midnight, I'm gonna kill you." He hung up.

I slammed the phone on the hook. "F***!"

________________________________________________________________________

I opened the drawer, pulling out some empty bottles, dropping them onto the floor.

When there was nothing left in the drawer, my heart started beating faster.

I rolled off the bed and onto the floor.

I opened the next drawer frantically, searching through it to find nothing.

I grabbed all the bottles and bags that were spread all over the floor. I picked up each and everyone, searching.

I found nothing.

I put my hand on my forehead nervously.

I pushed myself off the floor, heading out of the room and into the bathroom.

I opened the medicine cabinet, checking each bottle.

Some dropped onto the floor as my shaky hand passed.

I headed out of the bathroom and into the kitchen, rummaging through the drawers and cabinets.

After a while of searching, I banged my fist against the counter. "F***!"

I yanked some drawers open again, pulling everything out of them, then took the drawer itself out and threw it onto the floor. "D***it!"

I stormed through the house, destructive, cursing the whole time.

________________________________________________________________________

I stood in front of the door, taking a few deep breaths.

After finally gathering all my courage, I turned the knob, and steeped into the room.

I half-expected my father to lay, knocked out, on his bed.

But he wasn't there.

Tears fell from my eyes as I searched his room.

I went to his nightstand, yanking the drawer open. I rummaged through the contents until I came across a certain object.

My heart skipped a beat as I reached my hand into the drawer, pulling out a pistol.

I stared at it for a while as the tears fell.

A few minutes later, I abruptly stood, heading for my bedroom.

I tossed the gun onto the bed, pacing, running my hand through my hair, occasionally glancing at the object that lay on the bed.

I dropped the floor, checking each bottle and bag for any single pill, and small powder residue.

I found nothing.

Tears fell as I did this a couple more times.

I stood up, slamming my fist into the wall. "S***! D***it!"

I dropped onto the bed, shaking.

I rubbed my head. "What the h*** is wrong with me?"

I turned around, gripping the gun tightly in my head.

I exhaled shakily as I put it to my head.

*FLASHBACK*

I reached into my pocket, lounging back, and pulled out a cigarette and a liter.

I put the cigarette in my mouth, flicking the liter. I glanced over to see Melissa staring at

me. I sighed, pulling the cigarette from my mouth and putting it and the liter back into my

pocket.

"You told me you quit...a week ago."

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

I put an end of the straw into one of my nostrils, holding the other nostril closed with my left index finger. I sucked in through my nose while chasing the line with the straw.

All of a sudden, my father stepped into the house, suitcase in hand. He didn't even look at me.

My father would move in with other women quite often, leaving me to take care of myself and pay all the bills.

He never paid attention to me, only talking to me occasionally. And that was usually when he wanted something from me. He couldn't care less about what I did. He didn't even care if I were dead.

Sometimes, I'd wish he'd punish me. Then I'll know he loves me.

I'd rather be beaten every time I'd come in the house than going completely unnoticed. At least then, I'll know he knew I was there.

He dropped the suitcase onto the floor, then took a seat in the chair next to me at the kitchen table. "Hey."

"Hey." I set the straw down, rubbing my nose.

"Still on that, huh?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"I thought you made it clear you were done with that."

"I did, too."

He chuckled, observing me. "Got anymore?"

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

"Hey, Jackson. Got the money?"

I looked at the drug dealer. "No."

He was glaring at me now. "Well, I can't give you nothing then."

"I know. I was actually gonna quit."

"Quit what?"

"Drugs."

"Who is?"

"I am, Eddie. I'm done with drugs."

He slammed me up against the brick wall of the alley so fast that I didn't have time to get away. "Listen, here, you little wise a** punk. I get a whole lotta money from you. And you ain't stopping now. You understand?"

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

I let the liquid cool down for a moment.

After a while, I stretched my arm out, inching the needle closer to my skin.

Just as I was about to stick it through my arm, there was a knock at the door.

"S***!" I jumped up and quickly put the syringe into my pocket.

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

Then Melissa spoke. "You need to stop this, Jackson."

"Stop what?"

"The drugs, the alcohol, the smoking."

"I did quit smoking."

"What about the drugs and alcohol?"

I sighed. "Mel, do you know how hard this is for me?"

"What about me, Jackson?! Do you know how hard it is to have a boyfriend that does drugs and drinks and just recently quit smoking?! I'm constantly worrying that, the next time you snort or inject or whatever, I won't see you again. I'm always concerned and scared that something will go wrong. What if it does?" She had tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Mel. I didn't know you felt like that. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It's not like you would have stopped any of this."

I was silent.

After a while, Melissa spoke. "I want to try it."

"What?" I looked at her.

"I want to try it, Jackson. I want a needle."

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

I began pulling out all the small bags, balloons, prescription bottles, and syringes, placing them into the grocery bag.

When I was finished, I sat onto the bed again, the grocery sack next to me.

I stay there for a while, then abruptly opened the drawer again. I turned the bag upside down, letting everything fall back into place.

I took my previous spot on my bed, resting my head in my hands.

You can't give them up. You need those. You're nothing without them.

You're nothing without Mel. Do you want to loose her, Jackson? You know she doesn't like this. Are you going to hurt her again?

"D***it!" I got the sack and began taking everything out of the drawer and putting it into the bag again.

I stood up and walked out of the room, laying the sack on my father's bed.

I went back into my room, slamming the door behind me. I fell onto the bed, laying on my side, and rubbed my hand on my aching head.

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

"I want you to take this." She moved the cigarette closer.

"What? I can't. I quit."

"I'll believe that when you still have this at the end of the day."

I was hurt.

She noticed this. "Jackson, you need to gain that trust back. I can't be with you if I don't believe you. If you really do care about me as much as you say you do, you won't smoke this." She dropped the cigarette into my hand.

I stared at it, twirling it around. My voice was quiet…hopeless. "Why are you doing this to me, Mel?"

"Because I want to love you."

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

I rested my head on the window, staring out into the rain, occasionally glancing at the cigarette.

After a while, I spoke. "Could you let me out here?"

"Your house is ten minutes away."

"I'll walk."

"It's raining and freezing."

"I'll live."

Furious, she threw the cigarette at me, pulling the car over. "Not with this, you won't!"

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

I laughed uncontrollably. "Stop, Mel! Please! That tickles!"

"Say it."

"Fine!" I tried my hardest to talk. "Melissa is the smartest, coolest, most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and I'm a lousy, undeserving, addicted loser!"

She smiled, satisfied, and removed her hand.

I pushed myself up, facing the window, breathing hard.

I turned to look at her. "I can't believe you made me say that."

She laughed.

I joined in.

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

She extended a hand.

I took it.

She pulled me up, leading me into my bedroom.

We didn't even make it to the bed when I pushed her up against the wall, undressing her.

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

"What happened?" Daley asked.

"I got beat up," I said quietly, my voice raspy.

"Well, we can see that," said Eric.

I didn't say anything.

After a long moment of silence, Taylor realized. "The drug dealer did this to you, didn't he?"

Everyone looked at her.

"What?" Melissa said.

"Mel, I can explain," I said.

"I'll explain for you since you can barely talk," Taylor said.

I sighed, closing my eyes. I knew I shouldn't have told her.

"Remember that day he came home with a scratch on his face? That was because the drug dealer beat him up."

"What is all this talk about a drug dealer?" Mrs. Wu said.

Simply, Taylor said, "Jackson does drugs."

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

"Get your stuff and get in the car. You're never gonna see him ever-"

"I'm pregnant!"

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

"Jackson. Jackson, its me. It's Melissa."

"Please," I begged. Tears fell from my eyes. "Don't eat me. I'm sorry."

The spider loosened its grip, looking at me sympathetically.

I took advantage of this, lifting my arm and pushing it off me with a great force. I quickly stood, heading for the window again, only to be knocked to the floor. I looked up to see another spider, this one with curly brown hair.

"Jackson, stop!" It tried to hold my arms down, but couldn't. After a while, it punched my face hard.

My nose started bleeding as my hands cupped it.

The spider pulled me to my feet and threw me into the bathroom.

I hit the floor, then quickly pushed myself up, trying to get out.

The spider slammed the door shut just as I reached it.

I banged my fist against it. "Let me out! Please! I'm sorry!" I turned around for a moment, having a weird feeling.

The walls were breathing.

My eyes were wide with fear as I banged my fists against the door some more. "Help me! It's gonna get me! Please! Let me out!"

Small spiders rushed out of the wall, trying to pull me in. They leapt on me, crawling all over my skin.

"Please! Open this f***ing door! Let me out, d***it! Please! They're on me! The wall's trying to suck me in! No! Stop! Get off! Leave me alone! Don't! Help! Help me! Please! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

I felt weak, dizzy. My legs gave out, and I fell onto my knees. I looked at the floor, tears falling.

The spider grabbed my chin, observing me, moving my head around. "Stop crying."

My voice was quiet. "I'm sorry."

Suddenly, the spider was still, staring at me strangely. After a moment, it continued its examination.

I could see the other spider in the doorway.

"Everyone's on their way over. What's wrong with him?" it said.

The spider that inspected me looked at her. "Drugs."

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

"There was this other color," I said seriously, but half-afraid, as if all the spiders would come after me any minute. "I don't know its name. It told me, but I forgot. It said I was being paid back for all the carrots I ate. I didn't know-I thought-I didn't know about the carrots before. I don't think it was my fault." I started crying, tears pouring down my face. But my expression didn't change. I was scared, shaking. "Do you think I should be paid back for something I didn't know about?"

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

As I took a seat onto the couch, the front door opened.

A blonde girl stepped inside-the only human I've seen in a while. She took a seat next to me, giving me a hug. "I'm so glad you're okay." After a minute, she pulled away from me.

I looked into her eyes. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," slipped out of my mouth.

All of a sudden, a furious Melissa stormed toward the door.

" Melissa, wait," Nathan said.

"No! I'm done with all this!" She turned to me. "After all I've done to help you…and this is how you repay me?" She shook her head angrily. Before running out the door, she said, "My father was right about you."

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

"I swore to Melissa that, if I ever saw you again…I was gonna kill you."

I swallowed.

"She made me promise I wouldn't. But she never said anything about teaching you a lesson."

I squeezed my eyes shut tight, turning my head a little.

"So how many other women have you screwed around with?"

"What?! Sir, I haven't-"

He punched me. "Wrong answer. Melissa told me you liked some other girl now. She was crying when she got home."

"I didn't know what I was doing. I was-"

"High? On drugs? I watched you as you promised Melissa that you'd quit."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"You're just a filthy liar, like your father!" He punched my lower stomach.

I doubled over in pain. "Sir, I'm sorry. Please…" Tears fell from my eyes.

His knees made contact with my nose.

My head flew back and hit the wall. I fell to the floor.

"You f***ing rapist!"

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

Melissa sat next to me, her arm around my shoulders. She pulled me closer.

I rested my head on her chest. My eyes traveled to her stomach. I rubbed it gently.

It was hard to believe there was life in there, growing…breathing…living.

Melissa and I spoke at once. "I'm sorry."

I pushed myself up to look at her. "You're sorry?"

"I told my father that you raped me. I was too scared to get into trouble. I didn't know he'd hurt you."

I looked downward. "I guess I deserved it."

Melissa pulled my head up to face her. "No, you didn't. No one does. Especially not you. You always say that when you're hurt. Why?"

"I did deserve it. I lied to you, Mel. And I ruined your future."

Melissa was quiet for a long while.

"Please speak to me, baby."

"You wanna know what I think?"

I nodded.

"I think that you want your father to care about you, which means punishing you when you should be…because you need to know he loves you. So you punish yourself to pay for all the wrongs you've done. Because you feel that we won't love you if you go unpunished." She took my hands in her, looking at my scarred wrists.

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

The cop looked at me. "Does your father live here?"

"Sometimes."

"When's the last time you saw him?"

"Almost two months ago."

His face was pained.

I wasn't sure why he wanted to know about my father. "Why?"

"He's dead."

*END FLASHBACK*

*FLASHBACK*

I gave up. "What's the new one?"

"'I promise to obey Melissa's every command for a week because she is so much better than me. And I am a childish Melissa-addict that is scared of spiders and terrified of not being loved.'"

My head jerked up.

She looked at me expectantly.

I was silent.

"Too hard for you?"

I sighed. "No. Not at all."

"Well are you gonna say it?"

"Absolutely."

She waited a moment before saying, "Go on."

I exhaled shakily. "I promise to obey Melissa's every command for a week because she is so much better than me. And I am a childish Melissa-addict that is scared of spiders and…and…"

"And…" Melissa said.

I swallowed. "…and terrified of not being loved."

*END FLASHBACK*

Tears fell from my eyes as I pulled the trigger.


	15. In Need Of Some Green

I stumbled down the dark streets, then unloaded gun in the waistband of my pants.

I looked up the road to see a car pulling out of a driveway, Melissa's parents inside.

I headed for the bushed, ducking inside as the car passed, its headlight bright.

After a moment, I walked through the yard, entering Melissa's house.

I headed upstairs, stumbling. When I reached the top, I found Melissa's room.

I turned the knob, but the door was locked. I knocked.

"Yeah?" It was Melissa.

"Mel? Let me in."

"Jackson? Is that you?"

"Let me in."

The door opened, only to be stopped by a chain.

"Mel? Mel, is that you?"

"Yeah."

"Hi, Mel." I was sniffing often, an effect from snorting. "Hi." I stuck my head as far as I could through the opening in the door, stopping at my ears. "Listen, Mel. I need you to give me some money. Okay? I need you to give me, like, five dollars. Like ten-like, twenty dollars. Yeah. 'Cause I'm in some trouble." I took my head away from the door, turning to spit in the floor. When I was finished, I put my head back in its previous position. "Mel? Do you hear me, Mel?"

She was hurt. "Yeah. Yeah, I hear you. I can't help you."

"Okay. Listen. What you gotta do is give me some money, okay?"

"Jackson, I can't do that." She could see the gun in my waistband.

"Why not?" When she didn't say anything, I said, "Mel, you know I'm not gonna do anything with it. I just…I need to go out of town for a little while 'cause I got into some trouble, and I need some help with it. Okay? So you gotta give me some money, Mel." I put my hand through the door, reaching for her.

She backed away, frightened.

"Mel? Can you hold my hand?"

"Yeah." She did. "I'll hold your hand."

"Mel? Mel, can you give me some money, please?"

Melissa leaned her head against the door, tears falling.

I was getting frustrated. "Mel, can you give me some money, please?! Stop f***ing around!"

She let my hand go. "I can't."

"Mel, give me some f***ing money! Please!" I slapped my hand against the door. "What are you doing?! I'm your boyfriend!" I tried to push the door open.

She leaned against it, pushing it closed. "I don't have any money."

"Mel, don't f*** around like this! Give me some money! Mel!"

She locked the door, crying.

I banged my fist against it. "C'mon! Let me the f*** in!" I was sobbing uncontrollably now. "Oh, f***! Let me in! I need some money! I need some money real bad!" I was screaming.

Melissa was on the phone. "Someone's broken into my house. He has a gun."

"Mel!" I was sitting outside her door, weeping. "You don't understand! You don't know what you're f***ing doing to me!"

I could hear Melissa rummaging through her purse.

"Mel, I'm in pain! How could you do this to your boyfriend, you b****?!" You f***ing b****!" I slammed my fist against the door, screaming. "Mel, just let me in! I'll do anything! I'll be a good boy, Mel. I'll be a good boy!"

Melissa was sobbing.

________________________________________________________________________

"Get off me! Get off!"

Two policemen struggled to pull me down the stairs of Melissa's front porch, even though I had handcuffs on.

"Mel?! Mel?!"

The cops dragged me toward their car.

"You f***er! If you're not gonna do anything, then f*** you!"

The officers pushed me into the car.

"Mel?! Mel?!" As the car drove off, I screamed for her. "Mel?!"

________________________________________________________________________

I was sentence to six months for assault, robbery, and resisting arrest.

I sweated out a horrible cure and stayed clean the whole stretch, even though it's easier to get good junk in here than it is on the street.

It's been hard.

All I've been doing is thinking about my life and wondering how the h*** I'm still alive…or if I even care.


	16. Diamond Necklace With Matching Earrings

I sat in the dark room, cross-legged, a spotlight shining above me. My elbows rested on my knees, my head in my hand.

Everyone watched me, although I couldn't see anyone.

"There's three classes of users of this stuff. You've got your rich kids, who always have enough money to run off to the Riviera if he feels he's screwing around to the danger point. Street junkies hate these people. They're always suckers and their money makes them tolerable. And you got your upper-middle class preppies: same as the others basically. What they're good for is opening their mommy and daddy's eyes to the social virus, putting pressure on the government to do something about it. Then there's us street kids-start screwing around very young: thirteen or so. Think we all got it under control…won't get strung out. This rarely works. I'm living proof. But in the end, you just gotta see the junk as another 9 to 5 gig. The hours are just a bit more inclined to shadows."

All the light turned on as everyone clapped.

I pushed myself to my feet, staring at the crowd.

I looked over to my left, where a beautiful Melissa stood, wearing a diamond necklace with matching earrings, a wedding band on her finger.

In her hands was a young boy of eleven months. He giggled, a huge smile on his face.

I stepped off them stage, heading toward them giving each a kiss. "I love you."

* * *

_Credit goes to "The Basketball Diaries" and "That Was Then, This Is Now."_

_Thanks to all of my readers, especially jelissalover, adversary2113, ., and AgentDiNozzo13._


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